Dear You. 004

Dear you,

I'm convinced that when you and your husband found each other, it was your ultimate goal to be the most annoying couple I know. Your offspring even joined in on this aspiration. Why all three of you chose to work at the same place is beyond me. And why all of you decided to come here, I'm not sure. But out of all of the things I despise about that place, your family is what I dread the most.

I understand people have problems. But I swear your family has every problem in the book. You belong in the looney bin, not here. With all of the medication you take and the classes you take to "stay more focused", I'm not sure that you can safely operate anything in this building. Your husband has had some of the worst luck I've ever known a person to have. On top of that, you two are the most needy people I have met. And your son - the one I've met at least - is a true gem of a person, resembling a spoiled little college kid that was never taught how to live on his own. The other one? Well, stealing your car and robbing people makes him sound even more precious.

I'm not one to judge, really. I do, however, know more about your family than I ever cared to. Because of this, I feel tempted to have sympathy for you. But then I remember who I'm thinking about. Then I remember that your entire family treats me like I'm your shoulder to cry on, your problem fixer and your shrink, and I can't do squat about it. Oh, other than deciding where you work while you make my life hell.

Those days you requested to work extra hours and didn't get them? That might have been me. Those times you told me you hated those machines, but seem to keep getting put on them? I may have "forgotten" that you told me that. Since you'll be complaining regularly anyway, I'm happy to put up with extra whining to watch you suffer.


Wishing your family would relocate,

Me.

Dear You. 003

Dear you,

While I understand you have no issues with people just stopping by unannounced, I do. You may have called, but I did not answer. Intentionally. That one unanswered phone call should mean that you should try again later. Or even better, wait for me to return your phone call. It never means that you should just drive over to my house. Never.

It's not the first time you've done this. Most definitely not the last. Unfortunately, you make me want to move just outside that limit of where you are willing to drive. You've made it quite easy though. If I add a bridge into the route to access my home, you will no longer arrive there unannounced. Fantastic idea if it weren't so damn far away from everything I enjoy doing or even hate doing, such as going to work each day.

I understand you have little or no boundaries. I also understand it seems to be impossible for you to care about anyone else but yourself. However, some day, when 20 people show up at your house unannounced, you'll know who sent them. And you'll know how much it sucks.

Oh-So-Happily-Yours,

Me.

Dear You. 002

Dear You,

I'm not sure why you are the way you are but I'm convinced you have a loveless marriage which causes you to turn into a complete douche. While I understand you hate the fact that your mailman is possibly boning your wife, it's no excuse to be a royal asshole. In fact, that may be the very reason your wife hates you.

Going to his office when you are there gives me the creeps. I fear that if I don't dress in granny panties and the whole 80-year old get up, I'll be getting much unwanted stares that make me want Thor's lightning to come crashing down on you. One day, it will happen. And when it does, I will be a hero to every employee that works under you.

You have ruined numerous plans for me and I don't even work under you, which makes me loathe you even more. Holidays and trips are planned around when you wish to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams. You are completely foul and a total fake. Pamela Anderson's chest is more real than you are or ever will be.

Some day, you may chisel your heart out from under that ice and become a real person. Until then, I can only hope that your wife finds many more delivery men.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear You Letter

Dear You,
I'm unsure as to who raised you and taught you manners, if anyone. When you are on the phone, would you like me to stand there in front of you, listening to your private conversation, and wait for you to end the call? I doubt it. So why do you do that to me?

I have my office. It has a door on it. And oddly enough, it does have a window. Obviously you have working eyes if you can find my office, so why can you not look through the giant window that I could easily fit through to see that I am on the phone? There is a door for a reason. Conversations that I have in that office are not meant for everyone to hear. I highly doubt you'd want your dirty laundry aired to that production floor.

I'm there 10+ hours a day, four days a week so why must you insist on barging in here when I'm occupied already? It's rude and inconsiderate, and I dislike starting my days off with that. Please consider my privacy and the privacy of others before pulling shit like this again. There is a box outside of my office for that paperwork to be dropped off in if I am A. busy or B. gone. Learn to use it.

Completely Annoyed,

Me.