My Future Self

So, I made my grocery run to Wal-Mart today. They did not have caskets, by the way. From this trip, I'd like to leave myself a note for when I become old and gray.

Please stay agile all through the years. If this is an impossible task, I do not fault you. However, everyone else will and if you don't want to get run over with carts, do it!

While I understand that as you age, your body does not function like it used to in many ways. Not only do I sympathize with that, but I've already felt those effects. But it is insanely frustrating to navigate through aisles barely meant for two carts to fit through and then come to a stand still because the aisle slows to turtle speed. Actually, turtles may just be offended by that.

If you are unable to move quickly, at least try to pay attention.

On top of that, I dislike running into people that I went to high school with.

Death at a Discount

"Excuse me, where would I be able to find a casket?"

"Oh, sorry! We don't carry them in store. You can check them out online at www.walmart.com. We have multiple selections for less than $900!"

Never before today did I think that was a conversation that I could possibly ever have at Wal-Mart. However, my hopes have been answered. Or something. Before the next person I know passes away, I can suggest that they include in their will to go to Wal-Mart for their classy price-rolled-back casket. Nothing says honoring death like a cheaply made box for you to rot away in.

I shop at Wal-Mart on a regular basis. However, I don't feel that a casket would be a staple item that I would want to purchase there. They all look quite lovely and the descriptions make them seem so comfortable, but I am not picking out a sleeping bed. It's a death bed. And while I may be cheap, I never thought "Gee, I hope they skimp on what I will forever lay in when I'm gone."

Then again, I'm pretty sure I want to get cremated so I'll probably end up in some stainless steel container that costs about 20 bucks. Hmm. Maybe that casket isn't so bad after all?

Dear You. 002

Dear You,

I'm not sure why you are the way you are but I'm convinced you have a loveless marriage which causes you to turn into a complete douche. While I understand you hate the fact that your mailman is possibly boning your wife, it's no excuse to be a royal asshole. In fact, that may be the very reason your wife hates you.

Going to his office when you are there gives me the creeps. I fear that if I don't dress in granny panties and the whole 80-year old get up, I'll be getting much unwanted stares that make me want Thor's lightning to come crashing down on you. One day, it will happen. And when it does, I will be a hero to every employee that works under you.

You have ruined numerous plans for me and I don't even work under you, which makes me loathe you even more. Holidays and trips are planned around when you wish to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams. You are completely foul and a total fake. Pamela Anderson's chest is more real than you are or ever will be.

Some day, you may chisel your heart out from under that ice and become a real person. Until then, I can only hope that your wife finds many more delivery men.

Sincerely,

Me

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Halloween: Costumes and Zombies

I love Halloween. I love the movies it brings out and the events that precede it. However, I've come to an understanding with myself that I dislike haunted houses anymore and I am perfectly okay with that. However, two of my most favorite things about Halloween are:

1. Costumes: I love Halloween costumes. This is a new found interest as of this year and Leg Avenue has become a staple of my closet now. I have managed to start a quite lovely collection of classy, yet slutty outfits that I absolutely adore. I believe the fiance does so as well.

2. Zombies: I have always loved zombies. Always. The living dead are truly phenomenal. The blood, the guts, the gore, the agony - everything makes me want to be there, bashing their heads in with banjos or chopping them off with hedge clippers along side Woody Harrelson. Perhaps it's the thought of killing something without the guilt.

This Halloween will be celebrated with a day spent alone finishing decorating our outside then a night with the fiance, the dog, cat and rabbit while we hand out candy and eat fondue. Mmm.

Dear You Letter

Dear You,
I'm unsure as to who raised you and taught you manners, if anyone. When you are on the phone, would you like me to stand there in front of you, listening to your private conversation, and wait for you to end the call? I doubt it. So why do you do that to me?

I have my office. It has a door on it. And oddly enough, it does have a window. Obviously you have working eyes if you can find my office, so why can you not look through the giant window that I could easily fit through to see that I am on the phone? There is a door for a reason. Conversations that I have in that office are not meant for everyone to hear. I highly doubt you'd want your dirty laundry aired to that production floor.

I'm there 10+ hours a day, four days a week so why must you insist on barging in here when I'm occupied already? It's rude and inconsiderate, and I dislike starting my days off with that. Please consider my privacy and the privacy of others before pulling shit like this again. There is a box outside of my office for that paperwork to be dropped off in if I am A. busy or B. gone. Learn to use it.

Completely Annoyed,

Me.

Ten Reasons Why I Think Facebook Should Disappear

I signed up for Facebook a while back and never used it. I planned a couple of reunion type visits with select friends from high school and bailed every time. I am just too cool, apparently. However, I then convinced my boyfriend, now fiance, to join to reconnect with some college buddies. I now understand how bad of an idea that was.

1. Family Requests - Luckily for me, my family seems to be somewhat technologically behind on things. Most of them don't know what it is, much less how to join and find me on there. However, my fiance's family is quite the opposite. If I am on and my fiance is not, I have now learned to select the "go offline" option immediately. Why? Because I turn into the messenger. Not only do I get to relay the oh-so-important messages of calling his mother or father for no reason to my beloved fiance, I get to pass on information he forgets to call them about and then suddenly remembers whenever I'm online. It's truly amazing how his memory works.

2. Zynga Games - They are addicting. Suddenly we have to be home before our crops wither on our farm and grapes are incredibly profitable. On top of that, I've owned strip clubs and robbed drug lords while my mafia ices thugs. I am now a farmer with a mafia. Fear my lonely pink cows!

3. Status Updates - If I'm not asking what someone is up to, I highly doubt I am going to care when their next doctor appointment is, that their child has a 102 degree temperature, or the pictures from the party at Sarah's. Perhaps I have too many friends that I accepted friend requests from and cared nothing about, but people update about things that I find incredibly pointless.

4. Requests - If you ever take a break from Facebook for a couple of days, even one day, you're bound to come back to a whole list of requests. Some fish food for my aquarium, a goat for my farm, a sandbag wall for my mafia, a heart, a virtual drink, a kiss from someone in YoVille, a ribbon for domestic violence, a ribbon for breast cancer, a pillow fight request, a penguin for my zoo, and who knows what else. You might say just ignore them and I do for the most part. But people have too much time on their hands. By the time I get through the list, there's more waiting.

5. Events - All of the sudden, people see you being on Facebook as a golden opportunity to make money. Lia Sophia jewelry parties and charity events for people I never knew flood my inbox, waiting for my "yes, no, or maybe" reply. I always select no, yet still continue to get invited. And on top of that, I get to look like the bad guy that doesn't want to help Jeff raise money for his sister's boyfriend's cousin's mother who has a flesh-eating disease that has made her look like Gilbert Gottfried. I am a terrible person.

6. Co-Workers - The minute you don't add someone from work, the drama begins. Maybe it's just the way most women seem to be wired, but it's taken like a jab at their very soul. They never talk to me at work, yet they feel the need to know what I'm doing on my weekends and tell me how their life is going every few hours? Sorry, my life isn't quite that boring yet, but I'll be sure to update you when it is.

7. Relationship Status Updates - Recently, I changed my relationship status after I returned from a trip engaged, instead of dating. The moment I changed it, numerous things happened. I was congratulated from many people that I never speak to. And the ads on the website changed as well. So not only was a presented with wedding ads galore, people that truly did not give two shits pretended to because that's what's accepted as the social norm. On top of that, if we were to break up, I don't think I would like to announce it to the world that, according to them, I have failed at life and will die single and miserable.

8. Quizzes - I am guilty of taking a few. Well, only one that I can remember. I was quite interested in knowing how long I would last in the event of a zombie attack. It was 2 weeks, but I am way smarter than that. Nonetheless, I have never thought that a quiz was the best way to tell me who my celebrity crush was (hello, David Hasselhoff!) or if I was a bitch, slut, or ho (my guess is probably a bitch.) Maybe it's just me, but I don't know that quizzes are the best way to discover myself. What do I know though - I haven't found the quiz on that yet.

9. High School Attitudes - Some people never grow out of that phase. Life is still about parties and being popular years after that all ended. I didn't get along with them then - why would I get along with them now?

10. Getting Out of Gatherings - Like I mentioned before, my family is not really technologically advanced at all. So if it comes to an event with them and I cancel for no good reason, it's not a problem. However, the minute I tell the fiance's family I'm busy or getting out of that charity event for the flesh-eating disease because I'm already going to a different charity event for bone-eating diseases (AKA: staying at home and sitting on my ass), I have to stay away from the computer. I cannot even think about going on Facebook or tending to my farm without someone stating "I thought you had that thing going on today." Busted. I must quickly make up some excuse that makes me look like a decent human being, such as my grandmother's last wish was for me to harvest my crops, and I felt I owed that to her so I would make it to the next bone-eating disease event.