Dear You. 004

Dear you,

I'm convinced that when you and your husband found each other, it was your ultimate goal to be the most annoying couple I know. Your offspring even joined in on this aspiration. Why all three of you chose to work at the same place is beyond me. And why all of you decided to come here, I'm not sure. But out of all of the things I despise about that place, your family is what I dread the most.

I understand people have problems. But I swear your family has every problem in the book. You belong in the looney bin, not here. With all of the medication you take and the classes you take to "stay more focused", I'm not sure that you can safely operate anything in this building. Your husband has had some of the worst luck I've ever known a person to have. On top of that, you two are the most needy people I have met. And your son - the one I've met at least - is a true gem of a person, resembling a spoiled little college kid that was never taught how to live on his own. The other one? Well, stealing your car and robbing people makes him sound even more precious.

I'm not one to judge, really. I do, however, know more about your family than I ever cared to. Because of this, I feel tempted to have sympathy for you. But then I remember who I'm thinking about. Then I remember that your entire family treats me like I'm your shoulder to cry on, your problem fixer and your shrink, and I can't do squat about it. Oh, other than deciding where you work while you make my life hell.

Those days you requested to work extra hours and didn't get them? That might have been me. Those times you told me you hated those machines, but seem to keep getting put on them? I may have "forgotten" that you told me that. Since you'll be complaining regularly anyway, I'm happy to put up with extra whining to watch you suffer.


Wishing your family would relocate,

Me.

Halloween VS. Christmas

People have started decorating for Christmas. I've seen the wreaths that go up on streetlights as well as the gaudy lighted candy canes that hang from trees around my city. There are lit city trees and sections in grocery store lots being set-up for Christmas trees. And finally, one of the people that works under the fiance already got his Christmas tree. Trust me, I cried a little.

Meanwhile, my Halloween decorations are still standing strong. Our cemetary like front yard is still holding it's own with it's the creature hanging from our gutter and caged mutant thing hanging from our front light. How's that for Christmas spirit?

We live in a cul-de-sac and the house across from us has their nativity scene already set up in all of it's glory. I sat outside yesterday comparing the two battling decorations and obviously thought ours was much more thoughtful. Not to mention, not too damn early for the holiday it's celebrating. Christmas should not be decorated for until December. Let me have October and November for my Halloween decorations. December can have Christmas. If I get around to it. By the way, decorations are not needed for Thanksgiving.

As of right now, I think I'm going to try to outlast their Christmas decor with my Halloween decor. So come February, I will have a creepy snowy graveyard in my front lawn when everyone has those damn little pink and red hearts everywhere.

Dear You. 003

Dear you,

While I understand you have no issues with people just stopping by unannounced, I do. You may have called, but I did not answer. Intentionally. That one unanswered phone call should mean that you should try again later. Or even better, wait for me to return your phone call. It never means that you should just drive over to my house. Never.

It's not the first time you've done this. Most definitely not the last. Unfortunately, you make me want to move just outside that limit of where you are willing to drive. You've made it quite easy though. If I add a bridge into the route to access my home, you will no longer arrive there unannounced. Fantastic idea if it weren't so damn far away from everything I enjoy doing or even hate doing, such as going to work each day.

I understand you have little or no boundaries. I also understand it seems to be impossible for you to care about anyone else but yourself. However, some day, when 20 people show up at your house unannounced, you'll know who sent them. And you'll know how much it sucks.

Oh-So-Happily-Yours,

Me.

Environmental Services Assistant I = Janitor?

Upon browsing for news jobs for the fiance last night, I took notice in a position that I felt would definitely fit in with the degree I'm pursuing in Environmental Management. The position? Environmental Services Assistant I and even Environmental Services Assistant II! I was ecstatic. I knew that the likelihood of me being qualified with only 4 general education classes fully under my belt was slim, but I wanted to know what was out there.

I clicked the level 1 position and the job was no longer to be found. It had been removed after 3 days. I was devastated. I clicked the level 2 position. Removed as well. Still determined to at least uncover this precious gem, I entered the title into Google. It was found! My excitement rose again. Until I found the job description.

The duties? Dusting. Sweeping. Taking out the trash. Cleaning toilets. Picking up after patients (it was at a hospital.) Everything that I hated doing in my own household was lumped into some poorly named job that was never someone's dream. Environmental Services? Where?! I do not see the ties between the two. Please tell me how taking out someone's trash is assisting the environment. Unless I am supposed to sift through it and decide what's recyclable. If that is the case, please respect my decision when I tell you I do not care about the environment enough to go through someone else's garbage. Especially from a hospital.

Disappointed, I moved forward and decided that I should start looking at all jobs from now on. Even those that are entitled "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis Researcher," because they just might be something I'm qualified for.

Writing 101

I've always wanted to express myself for a living. Through art. Writing. Whatever. I just wanted to be heard.

I started journaling. Then blogging. Then journaling. Blogging. Journaling. Etc. I went back and forth between private tangible journals and public web posts. Obviously I'm in the blogging phase now.

I attempted drawing comic-book-like-characters. Thought it was too childish. Tried a degree in Marketing and Web Design. Gave up after two semesters. Tried art classes. Hated them. Tried writing poetry. Hated it. Tried writing a novel. Got tired after 100 words. Made cards and scrapbooked. Got lazy. Decided to go to school for Environmental Management. Knew it had nothing to do with writing. I was/am at a dead-end.

So now I stand here. Working as a Scheduler, attending school for Environmental Management, and longing to use my passion for expression as a career, not a hobby. I have the motivation. The want. The drive.

I only have one question.

How exactly am I supposed to pull it off?

Trick-Or-Treating

It is truly amazing what can pass as a Halloween costume these days. I was always under the assumption that I was receiving candy for my creativeness in finding a costume. Therefore, every year that I went trick-or-treating, I dressed up. Every year. I also stopped going at an age where I wasn't getting stared down for being too old. I don't 100% remember that age, however, I know it never felt awkward to go. And I never brought pillowcases. Perhaps I had a different vision of what Halloween was and I probably still do.

Also, trick-or-treaters seem to be getting lazier. Jeans and a sweatshirt pass as a costume You rolled out of bed and came door-to-door for candy? Wow! AMAZING costume! They also just thrust their bag out at you without saying a word, expecting candy. On top of that, the ones that do speak, request specific candy and make you pick through it like you would have to go a 5-year-old, yet they look to be 15. Luckily for us, most of the spoiled brats steered clear from our house and we also scared the crap out of some little kids. Unintentional, but hilarious. Apparently that's what decorations, such as a jar of eyeballs or a fortune telling skull, that sense movement, can be terrifying. Who knew? All I know is they'll be out again next year. :)

My Future Self

So, I made my grocery run to Wal-Mart today. They did not have caskets, by the way. From this trip, I'd like to leave myself a note for when I become old and gray.

Please stay agile all through the years. If this is an impossible task, I do not fault you. However, everyone else will and if you don't want to get run over with carts, do it!

While I understand that as you age, your body does not function like it used to in many ways. Not only do I sympathize with that, but I've already felt those effects. But it is insanely frustrating to navigate through aisles barely meant for two carts to fit through and then come to a stand still because the aisle slows to turtle speed. Actually, turtles may just be offended by that.

If you are unable to move quickly, at least try to pay attention.

On top of that, I dislike running into people that I went to high school with.

Death at a Discount

"Excuse me, where would I be able to find a casket?"

"Oh, sorry! We don't carry them in store. You can check them out online at www.walmart.com. We have multiple selections for less than $900!"

Never before today did I think that was a conversation that I could possibly ever have at Wal-Mart. However, my hopes have been answered. Or something. Before the next person I know passes away, I can suggest that they include in their will to go to Wal-Mart for their classy price-rolled-back casket. Nothing says honoring death like a cheaply made box for you to rot away in.

I shop at Wal-Mart on a regular basis. However, I don't feel that a casket would be a staple item that I would want to purchase there. They all look quite lovely and the descriptions make them seem so comfortable, but I am not picking out a sleeping bed. It's a death bed. And while I may be cheap, I never thought "Gee, I hope they skimp on what I will forever lay in when I'm gone."

Then again, I'm pretty sure I want to get cremated so I'll probably end up in some stainless steel container that costs about 20 bucks. Hmm. Maybe that casket isn't so bad after all?

Dear You. 002

Dear You,

I'm not sure why you are the way you are but I'm convinced you have a loveless marriage which causes you to turn into a complete douche. While I understand you hate the fact that your mailman is possibly boning your wife, it's no excuse to be a royal asshole. In fact, that may be the very reason your wife hates you.

Going to his office when you are there gives me the creeps. I fear that if I don't dress in granny panties and the whole 80-year old get up, I'll be getting much unwanted stares that make me want Thor's lightning to come crashing down on you. One day, it will happen. And when it does, I will be a hero to every employee that works under you.

You have ruined numerous plans for me and I don't even work under you, which makes me loathe you even more. Holidays and trips are planned around when you wish to destroy everyone's hopes and dreams. You are completely foul and a total fake. Pamela Anderson's chest is more real than you are or ever will be.

Some day, you may chisel your heart out from under that ice and become a real person. Until then, I can only hope that your wife finds many more delivery men.

Sincerely,

Me

Twitter

I joined - Follow me!

Halloween: Costumes and Zombies

I love Halloween. I love the movies it brings out and the events that precede it. However, I've come to an understanding with myself that I dislike haunted houses anymore and I am perfectly okay with that. However, two of my most favorite things about Halloween are:

1. Costumes: I love Halloween costumes. This is a new found interest as of this year and Leg Avenue has become a staple of my closet now. I have managed to start a quite lovely collection of classy, yet slutty outfits that I absolutely adore. I believe the fiance does so as well.

2. Zombies: I have always loved zombies. Always. The living dead are truly phenomenal. The blood, the guts, the gore, the agony - everything makes me want to be there, bashing their heads in with banjos or chopping them off with hedge clippers along side Woody Harrelson. Perhaps it's the thought of killing something without the guilt.

This Halloween will be celebrated with a day spent alone finishing decorating our outside then a night with the fiance, the dog, cat and rabbit while we hand out candy and eat fondue. Mmm.

Dear You Letter

Dear You,
I'm unsure as to who raised you and taught you manners, if anyone. When you are on the phone, would you like me to stand there in front of you, listening to your private conversation, and wait for you to end the call? I doubt it. So why do you do that to me?

I have my office. It has a door on it. And oddly enough, it does have a window. Obviously you have working eyes if you can find my office, so why can you not look through the giant window that I could easily fit through to see that I am on the phone? There is a door for a reason. Conversations that I have in that office are not meant for everyone to hear. I highly doubt you'd want your dirty laundry aired to that production floor.

I'm there 10+ hours a day, four days a week so why must you insist on barging in here when I'm occupied already? It's rude and inconsiderate, and I dislike starting my days off with that. Please consider my privacy and the privacy of others before pulling shit like this again. There is a box outside of my office for that paperwork to be dropped off in if I am A. busy or B. gone. Learn to use it.

Completely Annoyed,

Me.

Ten Reasons Why I Think Facebook Should Disappear

I signed up for Facebook a while back and never used it. I planned a couple of reunion type visits with select friends from high school and bailed every time. I am just too cool, apparently. However, I then convinced my boyfriend, now fiance, to join to reconnect with some college buddies. I now understand how bad of an idea that was.

1. Family Requests - Luckily for me, my family seems to be somewhat technologically behind on things. Most of them don't know what it is, much less how to join and find me on there. However, my fiance's family is quite the opposite. If I am on and my fiance is not, I have now learned to select the "go offline" option immediately. Why? Because I turn into the messenger. Not only do I get to relay the oh-so-important messages of calling his mother or father for no reason to my beloved fiance, I get to pass on information he forgets to call them about and then suddenly remembers whenever I'm online. It's truly amazing how his memory works.

2. Zynga Games - They are addicting. Suddenly we have to be home before our crops wither on our farm and grapes are incredibly profitable. On top of that, I've owned strip clubs and robbed drug lords while my mafia ices thugs. I am now a farmer with a mafia. Fear my lonely pink cows!

3. Status Updates - If I'm not asking what someone is up to, I highly doubt I am going to care when their next doctor appointment is, that their child has a 102 degree temperature, or the pictures from the party at Sarah's. Perhaps I have too many friends that I accepted friend requests from and cared nothing about, but people update about things that I find incredibly pointless.

4. Requests - If you ever take a break from Facebook for a couple of days, even one day, you're bound to come back to a whole list of requests. Some fish food for my aquarium, a goat for my farm, a sandbag wall for my mafia, a heart, a virtual drink, a kiss from someone in YoVille, a ribbon for domestic violence, a ribbon for breast cancer, a pillow fight request, a penguin for my zoo, and who knows what else. You might say just ignore them and I do for the most part. But people have too much time on their hands. By the time I get through the list, there's more waiting.

5. Events - All of the sudden, people see you being on Facebook as a golden opportunity to make money. Lia Sophia jewelry parties and charity events for people I never knew flood my inbox, waiting for my "yes, no, or maybe" reply. I always select no, yet still continue to get invited. And on top of that, I get to look like the bad guy that doesn't want to help Jeff raise money for his sister's boyfriend's cousin's mother who has a flesh-eating disease that has made her look like Gilbert Gottfried. I am a terrible person.

6. Co-Workers - The minute you don't add someone from work, the drama begins. Maybe it's just the way most women seem to be wired, but it's taken like a jab at their very soul. They never talk to me at work, yet they feel the need to know what I'm doing on my weekends and tell me how their life is going every few hours? Sorry, my life isn't quite that boring yet, but I'll be sure to update you when it is.

7. Relationship Status Updates - Recently, I changed my relationship status after I returned from a trip engaged, instead of dating. The moment I changed it, numerous things happened. I was congratulated from many people that I never speak to. And the ads on the website changed as well. So not only was a presented with wedding ads galore, people that truly did not give two shits pretended to because that's what's accepted as the social norm. On top of that, if we were to break up, I don't think I would like to announce it to the world that, according to them, I have failed at life and will die single and miserable.

8. Quizzes - I am guilty of taking a few. Well, only one that I can remember. I was quite interested in knowing how long I would last in the event of a zombie attack. It was 2 weeks, but I am way smarter than that. Nonetheless, I have never thought that a quiz was the best way to tell me who my celebrity crush was (hello, David Hasselhoff!) or if I was a bitch, slut, or ho (my guess is probably a bitch.) Maybe it's just me, but I don't know that quizzes are the best way to discover myself. What do I know though - I haven't found the quiz on that yet.

9. High School Attitudes - Some people never grow out of that phase. Life is still about parties and being popular years after that all ended. I didn't get along with them then - why would I get along with them now?

10. Getting Out of Gatherings - Like I mentioned before, my family is not really technologically advanced at all. So if it comes to an event with them and I cancel for no good reason, it's not a problem. However, the minute I tell the fiance's family I'm busy or getting out of that charity event for the flesh-eating disease because I'm already going to a different charity event for bone-eating diseases (AKA: staying at home and sitting on my ass), I have to stay away from the computer. I cannot even think about going on Facebook or tending to my farm without someone stating "I thought you had that thing going on today." Busted. I must quickly make up some excuse that makes me look like a decent human being, such as my grandmother's last wish was for me to harvest my crops, and I felt I owed that to her so I would make it to the next bone-eating disease event.